Tuesday, October 4, 2011


       I have been thinking about the past a lot lately. I don't know if it is good or bad but it has happened.... a lot. I remember being 10 years old and holding this new baby. She was, and still is... so special to me. When Jaquell was 3 days old everyone had to leave for one reason or another and she was left for me to watch. It wasn't long, but it was enough time for me to realize someone so small can have a huge impact in my life. 5 years later I felt like the free Nanny. I spent my summer vacation taking care of Jaquell and Paige while their Mom worked long days and night and partied on the weekends. I cared about those girls so much but I wanted a life of my own. It was hard to want to come home knowing that I would be the one taking care of these little girls. I love them don't get me wrong but I hated the obligation of always watching them. Was it that hard to just ask? Couldn't I have had a choice? I wanted to have friends. I wanted to go out. I wanted to date. Yes, I was selfish. Then Christmas vacation 2003 I put my foot down. I made a stupid choice. I didn't want to babysit and I said I didn't. I guess 17 isn't the age you get to make all your choices. I was grounded for not watching the girls. I was mad and I was stuck at home. I didn't want to listen and I was seeking revenge. That revenge caused an entire family feud. One word can change some ones entire mood. One sentence can cause anger, pain, and humiliation. I have learned that getting under some one's skin is not okay. I called my sister a Bitch and told her no one liked her. And the was just the start. That was the worst break from school ever. Not only did it tear the family apart but the humiliation from the cops showing up was bad. Going to school with scratches on my face was embarrassing. My parents were disappointed. It was bad. 3 sisters fighting was normal, but this night was way too far. I do take a lot of the blame, but I also see it as putting my foot down. I shouldn't have said what I did and my sister should not have tried to drag me into the house by my hair. I love my nieces, but I am not their Mother. I think I got that point across. Then at 18... I was a Mommy. Thank goodness for WIC because as it turns out... I didn't know what I was doing. With a little help from parenting classes in high school, helping raise my nieces, and WIC I felt confident raising my baby... I mean 3 :)  Now moving on Aiden will be 6!?!!!
       I am overwhelmed and don't think I know anything anymore. When did this change? Is 5 so different than 1? LoL yes!!!! With him starting school I feel so lost. So many questions and second guessing. I do have great children and I want them to keep them that way. When do you talk to them about bullies and sex and drugs and how to stay safe... and still reassure them that you love them with all your heart and that they are so special that it breaks my heart to see them get their feeling hurt. I feel like a lost parent.
This story:
An oarsman in a Roman galley was rowing to the beat of the drum. He looked over at the oarsman next to him and was horrified at what he saw. The oarsman in the next seat was drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat under his own seat. As the water began to gush into the boat, the first oarsman exclaimed, "What in Jupiter's name are you doing?" The man replied, Whats it to you? I'm only drilling the hole under my seat."

Makes me smile a little. As a person I never took the time to see how my actions effected others. Now I look at my self as stupid. It takes more than one person to raise a child. And it takes a family to raise 3. Every action has more than one effect. Its like the domino trail. If there is no team work each domino I set up is getting knocked down. Single parenting is impossible without family support. It hurts to know how broken my family is and to know I have the verbal support from some. I can admit at being at the end of my rope. Things are slowly getting better and I hope they continue to get better. I don't want to be the one to drown my kids. I am attending this parenting class looking for answers and hope. I'm looking for a direction and new ways to grow with my kids. Its called Active Parenting Now. I hope this class gives me skills and tools so I can talk with my kids and be prepared for the journey that is coming. I hope it can get me threw the next 15 years with comfidence. I don't want to see them in the same situation I am in now. I want to feel comfortable talking to them about sex, drugs, and violence. I also want them to know they can come to me about anything. I never had the courage to talk with my parents about things and I don't want my kids to feel like that. I know being involved in my kids lives will help a lot and the open communication we have now is just a stepping stone for this long journey a head of us.


  1. Wow. I love you girl and commend you for what you are doing. You know how to write what you mean and in a way that makes me feel like you know how I feel too! - If that makes any sense. :)

    I wish I had your guts sometimes.

    You are a wonderful mom! You put you whole heart and sole into those kids and I don't think there could be a better mom than that. Miss you. Amanda

  2. Amanda, I don't know how I've missed this comment for all these months!!! I miss you!! And I miss having a friend to just sit and talk to!