I have friends and family that are expecting or recently had babies. I am genuinely happy for them! I am happy my family and friends are able to expand their families and feel the joy a new child brings. I am happy they were able to make the choice to bring a new member to their lives. I am happy they allow me to share the joy as well. I love seeing all the new baby outfits and accessories as the new Mommies prepare. I love being able to give a little advise here and there. I love to see pictures of these cute babies learning to smile, hold their bottles, sitting up, and even crawling. I love to visit and told them even if it is just for a few minutes. I love babies!
I am also envious. I don't feel I was ever given the choice to add to my family. I don't feel I was able to "try and get pregnant." I tried to prevent pregnancy. I took "the pill" every day, I used the NuvaRing on schedule, I even had an IUD put in. After 3 unplanned babies in 4 years at the age of 22 I made the choice to have a tubal ligation. It was the only birth control I felt would be effective. I understood it was a permanent decision. My life was hard and chaotic. I was a single Mom. I was going to school 40 hours a week. I didn't see myself in a stable, loving relationship in the next 10 years and birth control was not working. I did what I felt was right, and I do still feel like it was the best choice. I also can't help but feel like I am missing out.
I feel my relationship with JT is 200 x better. I know we have had a rocky relationship in the past but honestly the past 2 years have been better than I could have ever thought possible. He makes me happy. Happier than I could have ever imagined. I love him for all the things he has done right. He is my best friend. We often talk about the future, buying a house, getting remarried... things to hope for and things that are happening. I love him.
So where do all my sad feelings come from... probably from knowing I can't. I can't have another baby. Shoe shopping, someone always seems to find the newborn shoes- that's great, they are adorable, but I can't. School shopping- baby clothes, fantastic baby clothes are adorable, but I can't. Online shopping- here's a crib set, I love it, but I can't have a freaking baby! Don't get me wrong, I love baby shopping! I love looking at all the new accessories and clothes and fun stuff but every time my heart aches. I helped plan and throw my little sister a baby shower. It was fun planning and seeing her excitement.
Making her a diaper cake was so much fun, I loved every minute of it. Trying to make sure she has the necessities for her new baby has been great. My newest niece will come into a world of love and people excited to meet her. Babies usually come into families over spilling with joy. And I am learning there is probably always someone on the side wishing they were expecting too. I am so happy for all my friends and family, but I do wish I was able to be expecting too.
I had a really hard time accepting that I was pregnant, every time. I never went to the doctor to confirm I was pregnant until I was basically past the first trimester. If I didn't think about being pregnant, it was as if it wasn't true. I also had people close to me who miscarried at about the same time I was finding out I really was pregnant. Who am I to rub in their face that I was terrified to bring a baby into the world when they just lost a baby they really wanted. I didn't understand how people who really wanted babies weren't able to or were losing a baby they already loved and here I was resenting being pregnant. It took a long time for me to be happy about it. I was very depressed. Gaining 80+ lbs the first pregnancy wasn't ideal and neither was getting pregnant 6 months after my son was born. But my kids did come into my life at the time I feel they were needed. I needed my babies as much as they needed me. Now my babies are 7, 6, and 4. They are good kids. I love them more than anything or anyone else. I know they still need me but not as much as I need them everyday.
Maybe the reason I feel the need to have another baby comes from my children not needing me as much. Maybe it comes from staying home and not feeling like my "job" is important enough. It could be something as simple as knowing I can't. The wanting what you can't have. Or maybe it is a fear. The fear of being forgotten. JT and I have talked about another baby. $20,000 just to try isn't in the priorities. My babies are growing up. I love not changing diapers and going somewhere and not have to pull out a stroller. I just have this small space in my heart that feels empty. Hopefully this feeling goes away.
I will try harder to enjoy every minute of the life I DO have. Summer is finding an end and school is starting, which brings new excitement. New school, new teachers, new friends... I am happy to say we are excited as a family to start school!
This is a few of the moments from our summer:
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