Babies

I've found myself in mixed emotions. I wouldn't expect anyone to be able to explain them or make all the feelings go away or change them so I will blog to try to make sense of all these feelings. I want to be happy and content in my life in all aspects. I really am happy mostly but the past few weeks there had been one subject I keep struggling with. Babies.
I have friends and family that are expecting or recently had babies. I am genuinely happy for them! I am happy my family and friends are able to expand their families and feel the joy a new child brings. I am happy they were able to make the choice to bring a new member to their lives. I am happy they allow me to share the joy as well. I love seeing all the new baby outfits and accessories as the new Mommies prepare. I love being able to give a little advise here and there. I love to see pictures of these cute babies learning to smile, hold their bottles, sitting up, and even crawling. I love to visit and told them even if it is just for a few minutes. I love babies!

I am also envious. I don't feel I was ever given the choice to add to my family. I don't feel I was able to "try and get pregnant." I tried to prevent pregnancy. I took "the pill" every day, I used the NuvaRing on schedule, I even had an IUD put in. After 3 unplanned babies in 4 years at the age of 22 I made the choice to have a tubal ligation. It was the only birth control I felt would be effective. I understood it was a permanent decision. My life was hard and chaotic. I was a single Mom. I was going to school 40 hours a week. I didn't see myself in a stable, loving relationship in the next 10 years and birth control was not working. I did what I felt was right, and I do still feel like it was the best choice. I also can't help but feel like I am missing out.

I feel my relationship with JT is 200 x better. I know we have had a rocky relationship in the past but honestly the past 2 years have been better than I could have ever thought possible. He makes me happy. Happier than I could have ever imagined. I love him for all the things he has done right. He is my best friend. We often talk about the future, buying a house, getting remarried... things to hope for and things that are happening. I love him.

So where do all my sad feelings come from... probably from knowing I can't. I can't have another baby. Shoe shopping, someone always seems to find the newborn shoes- that's great, they are adorable, but I can't. School shopping- baby clothes, fantastic baby clothes are adorable, but I can't. Online shopping- here's a crib set, I love it, but I can't have a freaking baby! Don't get me wrong, I love baby shopping! I love looking at all the new accessories and clothes and fun stuff but every time my heart aches. I helped plan and throw my little sister a baby shower. It was fun planning and seeing her excitement. 

Making her a diaper cake was so much fun, I loved every minute of it. Trying to make sure she has the necessities for her new baby has been great. My newest niece will come into a world of love and people excited to meet her. Babies usually come into families over spilling with joy. And I am learning there is probably always someone on the side wishing they were expecting too. I am so happy for all my friends and family, but I do wish I was able to be expecting too.

 I had a really hard time accepting that I was pregnant, every time. I never went to the doctor to confirm I was pregnant until I was basically past the first trimester. If I didn't think about being pregnant, it was as if it wasn't true. I also had people close to me who miscarried at about the same time I was finding out I really was pregnant. Who am I to rub in their face that I was terrified to bring a baby into the world when they just lost a baby they really wanted. I didn't understand how people who really wanted babies weren't able to or were losing a baby they already loved and here I was resenting being pregnant. It took a long time for me to be happy about it. I was very depressed. Gaining 80+ lbs the first pregnancy wasn't ideal and neither was getting pregnant 6 months after my son was born. But my kids did come into my life at the time I feel they were needed. I needed my babies as much as they needed me. Now my babies are 7, 6, and 4. They are good kids. I love them more than anything or anyone else. I know they still need me but not as much as I need them everyday. 

Maybe the reason I feel the need to have another baby comes from my children not needing me as much. Maybe it comes from staying home and not feeling like my "job" is important enough. It could be something as simple as knowing I can't. The wanting what you can't have. Or maybe it is a fear. The fear of being forgotten. JT and I have talked about another baby. $20,000 just to try isn't in the priorities. My babies are growing up. I love not changing diapers and going somewhere and not have to pull out a stroller. I just have this small space in my heart that feels empty. Hopefully this feeling goes away.

I will try harder to enjoy every minute of the life I DO have. Summer is finding an end and school is starting, which brings new excitement. New school, new teachers, new friends... I am happy to say we are excited as a family to start school!

This is a few of the moments from our summer:

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Yesterday

 Ever have one of those days where you are ready to throw in the towel at noon and by 9 pm the kids haven’t eaten dinner and there isn’t one dry, clean towel in the house….I am hoping by writing the day out, some day I will be able to laugh about it. 

 Yesterday was Jt’s birthday, which he was able to celebrate by driving to Canada. Don’t get me wrong, I love how hard he works and that he loves his job. He is a fantastic truck driver and travels through some really cool places. I was bummed not to be able to enjoy him on his day and let the kids surprise him with homemade birthday cards and finish the day with cake, singing, and ice cream. 



 I tried to stay happy and motivated and to get things done but every time I turned around there was some kind of catastrophe. I would start the kids on a project or picking up sticks and hoses which quickly turned in to pirates and total distraction. I mowed half the lawn and tried to get my kids to a new task. Here is a rake…. We are going to make a huge pile of grass, it will be fun. This is how we rake. This is where I want the grass. 5 minutes we were making good time. So I walked away to start mowing the other side of the house, until the mower died. Not sure 100% as too what is wrong with it. I am guessing it needs oil but I since have not had time for that. Walking back to my kids and the wheelbarrow is full of grass making easy access for their grass fight. When I turned the corner I see Allyson shoulder the metal kids shovel aiming for Kaydance’s head. “STOP!” “Don’t you DARE swing that shovel!” Was all I could shout to protect my other two kids. So from then all 3 marched into the bathroom to wash up and take a nap.

 During nap time it was a quick shower, 3 loads of laundry, prep dinner, and get kids back up and ready to hit the bank before it closed. That all sounds great and happy, except Allyson is not one to enjoy being woken up. I would have rather wrestled an alligator then to get her moving and get errands done. She cried while I put shoes on her. She cried getting into the truck. She cried the entire 8 blocks to the bank. She cried in the bank. She cried half way through grocery shopping. The other half she ran up and down and aisle and pulled 6 bags of chips off a shelf. Okay kid, enjoy shopping cart hell. Including seat belt. She was back to crying. 

 At home we unloaded the groceries and the whimpering had stopped so I caved and held Allyson for a good 20 minutes. 20 minutes of much needed relax time. Not only Allyson but Aiden and Kaydance couched up too. As soon as I started dinner the phone rang. It’s a good thing I was attempting a roast because once again we were out the door. We needed to run a jug of gas to someone about a mile down the road. It wasn’t a big deal and the kids were happy to go. I couldn’t help but laugh, because I too was running low on gas. Not out of gas, but low. We came back home and I asked the kids to clean while I finish dinner.



 Asking the kids to clean, without my supervision, is more like telling them to turn into tornados and destroy the house. Peeled potatoes, started the beans to boil and swoosh, a toy blows past my head. The kids stated running laps through the house so I started to split them up. Allyson on a chair at the table, Aiden and Kaydance were sent to their rooms.





 I was slicing potatoes when I heard a weird noise. Like a water running noise. I asked Allyson what she was doing…. My back was turned… and next thing I know I am standing in water! She had pulled on the tubing that connects to the fridge and now a rapid stream of water was flowing. I pushed the fridge away from the wall to grab the tub and stretch it to the sink. I didn’t know what else to do. I actually expected at some point the water would stop its self. Nope. I put Aiden and Kaydance on towel duty and I tried to call for help. I never yelled at the kids. I didn't really say much too them either. I think Allyson ran and hid, but not really sure. I made a few calls. I was lucky my Dad answered his cell. Whenever there is a big crisis my Dad is always there for me. He never fails. Maybe its his knowledge, maybe its him calming me down…. probably both. He answered by saying, "let me call you in 15 minutes." I think he was less that prepared for me to say, "its an emergency." He told me a few things I could do and also said he would come help. I don't know what he was doing before I interrupted but I am SO grateful for my Dad. I was able to shut off the water to the entire house and wait for him to come to the rescue. I did burn dinner though. I called JT back and just started breaking down. I know he was trying to make me feel better and reassure me that Allyson had no idea what she was doing but I was mad. And I told him that. I was trying to understand, and trying to let the stress go but I was still mad. I still wanted left alone. After hanging up I turned on the TV and walked back to making dinner. My Dad was able to fix everything, get the water all turned back on, and even turned our water heater down so it no longer scolds us. The kids ate their now cold, burnt dinner and went to bed. That was enough crazy for one night.