No one is perfect. I have used Facebook and my blog as a vent for a long time. I still love to blog to get my frustrations out and reflect on things that have happened. A lot of my post have been about the kids Dad and I have decided that isn't fair. A long time ago in high school (ha ha ha) I learned that you should never talk negative about your significant other. When you talk badly or vent about them to someone else that negativity is all that is remembered. JT and I have a rocky past, but he isn't 100% bad. I feel terrible about some of the things I have done. The good part about venting is that you don't look bad yourself. I admit I have done wrong. I have done a lot of things to him as well. I never wanted to look bad and if I changed the focus to him no one would see threw me.

At 18 I wasn't ready for a serious relationship let alone a family. I over step a lot of mile stones. I didn't learn how to communicate, I didn't learn how a relationship worked, I didn't learn who I was. I did learn how to piss someone off though. JT took just as much from me as I ever got from him. The weekend I turned 18 I came home to boxes on the front grass of all my stuff. I moved in with JT having no place to go. Even after getting married we still never had a place to ourselves. We lived with his Grandparents and then added Aiden to the picture. We were stressed, confused, and tried to learn how to make life work- truth is we weren't ready. We tried getting our own apartment but still went to his family every day and for everything. We both were influenced by everyone and never learned to share our lives. We were 2 kids struggling to find a life, raise a family, and be a spouse. Neither was ready for the shoes we were trying to fill.

I wish I could have done things differently in my life. I wish I would have practiced abstinence A LOT longer. I wish when I got married I could have moved into my own place and learned how to be a wife and share my life. I wish Kids could have came after an established relationship and had a great foundation to fall back on. I also wish I had some patience. But at the same time I think I have accomplished many great things. I've learned lessons that in other cases would not have. I know things could have been easier but the lessons I've learned are my lessons. I know they were ment for me. I may not have been ready for the life I was trying to have but I feel prepared for my life tomorrow. I also believe that no matter what until we BOTH are ready, a relationship with JT of any kind would never work. I thought I had grown up at 18... but I am still maturing every day. I have different goals now and different expectations. I know JT had to learn his own lessons. I know we weren't ready to share our lives. In time I hope to see things get easier and we are both able to see the lessons we needed to learn and can work threw this life.

I still don't feel like I know how to be a wife, or a Mom, but I do know it takes time and practice. I am doing my best to give my kids everything and not mess up. I am still learning how to keep a smile on every one's face, cook dinner, make sure everyone one has a bath, keep a clean house, do the laundry, make some money, and not collapse when I can't go any further.  Life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything. I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. I forget what time it is and I am late to appointments sometimes. I forget to call people back. Sometimes I start a fight just to fight and hear your voice. I mess up. I hope I have some easier happy times a head of me and I hope those that I feel close to can support me and watch me fall. I am going to fall. I am going to mess up. I am going to need help. But I have to ask for it. I HAVE to learn these lessons myself.

 I read this story from a friend and BALLED like a baby: 

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his Biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your momma put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides... a burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!" You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life... I just did! Life is too short to wake up with regrets... Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

I have learned forgiveness. I don't expect perfection. I want to mess up and I expect others to hurt me. That's life. Forgiveness isn't saying its okay, its accepting things for what has happened  and knowing you can't change them. I can move forward. I know things have happened but I cant change them I can just make sure I learn the lesson that was in front of me. If you can't accept me for me, walk away and I'll learn that lesson too.

Aiden... in SCHOOL!!!

I never took much thought to being "old" until now. Aiden started school?!?! Crazy I know, but he did and he LOVES it. He has a good teacher and he is so smart. We walked together from the sitters house. Its a block and 1/2 away from school. After 1/2 a block right before crossing the street he turned to me and said... "Mom, you have to walk ALL the way back, by your self?" "Yes" "Well don't get lonely okay?" I don't think I can express to anyone how this little guy melts my heart. He may look like his Dad but he has a lot of good stuff in him as well. I know this is just the beginning of a LONG journey but I think we are ready for it.

I love you more than Rainbows

On Sunday I found this book and started reading to Allyson. I love you more than rainbows.... As I read the book I couldn't help but hold her a little tighter. I love you more than rainbows. I know she doesn't fully understand but that doesn't change how I feel. I love each of my babies more than anything in the entire world. I hope they know and feel it. I love you is a very common thing to hear in our home. But that book keeps going over and over through my head. Do my kids really know how much I love them? Is there someone I am forgetting? I know having parents live separate lives is hard on them but am I showing them everyday that I love them so much that we couldn't stay in that hostile environment? So many question now going though my head and make me question how good of a Mom I am being. And a step further.... does my Father know I love him. I think I has been way too long since I last showed my appreciation to my Dad. He is so important to me words can not describe. I know I have done things that disappointed him, but he has never turned away. My Dad has always been there for me, even when I've been too ashamed to ask. I know I should have listened to him a LOT more than I ever did. My Dad has never said, You disappoint me, he's never said, WOW you really screwed up this time or you deserve this..... He also never said I'd have to raise my family alone. All I have ever know from my Dad is support. The one thing I have always needed the most. I know I have a dysfunctional family but there are still a few winners in my book and I love them more than RAINBOWS!!!!

2011 please be kind to us!

As crazy as this year has been I know it is only gonna get better :o)

We started the year off with Aiden turning 5!!!! I can't believe I have been a Mommy for 5 years!!! Where did all this time go? The days take FOREVER, and the years fly by. I can remember being pregnant with this precious child but forget what was for breakfast yesterday..... Its hard to think of all the things that have happened. There is lots to say I accomplished and learned in this short time. I know how strong I can be and also how weak I have been. Lets just say- No turning back!

Moving through the year we have some great things to look forward to.

April 13th Kaydance turns 4!!!!

Friday, May 13th Allyson hits the grand 2nd year of her life....

July Sabrina comes to town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October is Halloween month and my favorite holiday, and we should end the year there ha ha

I've been slacking in my blog so I thought if I gave a year update the rest wont be to bad. I will add here and there- fingers crossed! Cheers to the new year!!!!!

"Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - Albert Einstein

5 years has taught me a lot. It wasn't so much as jump on the train... it has been more of... learn as you go or fail hard in front of everyone. Well quitting isn’t an option and failing doesn’t feel so good either. Life isn't easy. I’ve lived thru isolation and pain and my entire world falling apart. No regrets just wish I could have changed a few things around. The past 2 years have been such a roller coaster I hope it comes to an end soon. The blessing and trials are never ending and here is a step into my life…

Kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you. Sometimes, you just have to smile, pretend everything's okay, hold back the tears and walk away.

Never think someone is happy just for the smile on their face.

April 2010

Well so much for a monthly post. Sorry for the delay but school has been pretty crazy. I am a COSMETOLOGIST!!! Phew that took FOREVER! Now I have a lot more time to focus on family time. The past few holidays have been kind of hard. Usually I lucked out for them and get to have the kids with no issues. Easter was not my idea of a good time. I think it was the first time that visitation really sunk in. Man its hard to be a single Mom, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make
me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.

October

Well life goes on...

Now it seams we are all a little bit more busy so forgive me for not getting to this sooner. I've updated all of us so check us out!