June/July 2012

As I sit here being bulldozed and getting my hair pulled by a 3 year old that should be asleep I am realizing sleep isn’t happening any time soon tonight. Why is bed time so difficult? Is it better to just give in and let them destroy the house? This is crazy! All these sleepless nights are making me one crazy Momma. One thing for certain, I’m glad I don’t have a job outside of the home right now. If I break down the chapters of my life I am glad for the changes. Some times life is boring but over all my life is anything but boring. I haven’t had a job for 9 month- weird. My very first employer was Western Watts, a telephone marketing and opinion firm. I was hired on at the age of 14 ½ and had basically been working ever since. Of all the jobs I’ve had staying home has defiantly been the hardest. I shouldn’t rant and rave about this because staying home is also extremely rewarding.

I have signed up with Melaleuca and love their products. At first I signed up to enjoy the benefits only for myself and family. I since have decided I should maybe pass this goodness around and see what comes from it. I love that everything is Eco friendly and I don’t have to have poison control on speed dial because some days I seem to have extremely naughty children. I have loved the Renew lotion for a long time and it has been a life saver. Kaydance has eczema and so her skin is always SO dry. This lotion gets to work quick, hydrates, and never feels greasy. I love to use it myself on my hands and face. It’s a great makeup remover. I was prescribed a lotion for Kaydance by her Doctor and I still don’t think it works as well as the Renew. I have also fallen for their Koala Pals (kids line) products. Shampoo and body wash can tackle my kids even on the dirtiest days. I’ve even used the shampoo on my puppy. The toothpaste is keeping their teeth so clean and they LOVE the floss picks. I think I could go on all day on how much Melaleuca has helped our family but I’ll save you the rant, unless you really dig it and want to know more lol

Oh and yes I now have a puppy!!!! Zeus came to our family on Fathers Day. He is a Mastiff. I love him so much! He was 8 weeks when we brought him home. Now he is pushing 30 lbs and is so smart. I took him for his checkup and to be micro chipped. He is extremely well behaved for only 11 weeks 4 days old- minus the puppy teething, that hurts. Here is a peek and my little Zeus Juice Box.

 Fathers Day continued......
                                         

Fathers Day was fun from sun up to sun down. We had a great time spoiling the fathers in our lives. My Daddy had to work but I still was able to show him he is my hero. I love my Dad so much and I honestly know I would be lost without him. Yes he is a busy man and has lots of daughters begging for attention but he is, and always will be MY DADDY. 

 We went for a family ATV ride. It was so nice to go out and to enjoy the outdoors. JT’s sister, brother-in-law, brother, and father were all able to go… or maybe we were able to go with them… either way it was a blast. Aiden rode with Grandpa Kenny most of the time in the Prowler. Kaydance was ecstatic to ride the 4-wheeler with Jake and Krysta. Bracken scored ridding a dirt bike. Allyson tried sleeping between JT and I most of the ride and eventually woke up wanting to ride in the Prowler. I sure do LOVE days like this. Everyone was happy and got along. The wind started to pick up at the end but it was still a great day and I can’t wait to do it again!

I guess that catches me up a little and hopefully I can post again before Sabrina gets here in 15 days, but who's counting :)

May/June 2012

Mothers Day was sooo good to me! I was spoiled. JT was so sweet and found me this AMAZING Mothers ring-LOVE it!!! He was so good to find me something so important and that I really really really wanted. I didn't even have a clue. I am so happy to have a mothers ring I can't even explain it. And that was just the iceing on the cake. I also got 2 pairs of flip flops(I wear them every day), sun glasses and a zebra case, a plant I havent killed yet :) I am pretty impressed on how well its growing. I have faith this spider plant will keep getting bigger. Before every plant I had, I killed it... so we are off to a great start.

I can't even think of all the stuff I got but I sure am blessed! I  should have posted sooner but couldn't get a good picture. The day was shared with family and it was also Allyson's birthday. The BBQ was great and she had such a great time. I'm so thankful for the people in my life and the great oppertunities that surround me. Now if we could just master potty training........

Wish us luck because I think we NEED it!!!

May 22, 2012

Aiden graduated from kindergarten! And now I am old… again. His teacher, Mrs. Couch, finished her last year and is now retiring. Kaydance is so excited to start kindergarten that she will not let us enjoy summer break. She talks about school ALL THE TIME. She is ready to get her backpack and all her clothes. She does not want to wait. I don’t think it has set in yet that I will have two kids in school come August. I am able to stay home so we have a little freedom and many ideas in the works. I am looking for part time work. Having 3 kids in daycare is so expensive so I am looking for something while Aiden and Kaydance are in school. That way I can still enjoy being with my kids as much as possible and also reach outside the home. I’m going crazy only talking to children. I guess its time for new change.

Sabrina will be here… some time this summer. We plan on visiting the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake. Water park, picnics, West Yellowstone, family farm, Sand dunes, and camp fires. Depending on when she actually arrives. I wish she was already here. I miss her and her family so much. She is my best friend. The time is ticking so she better hurry up!!!


Camping season is under way and we have purchased a camper. Best part of a camper… being able to store all the necessities. Its been fun putting everything together again. Its just the right size. We took it out for a rough trial and break in: Memorial weekend. I think it rained the entire time. In 4 days I think there was maybe a 2 hour break that wasn’t a down pour. Friday morning we attended a funeral for a great man that will be missed. Blair Hill lost his battle to cancer. We laid him to peace just before the nasty weather started. Guess you’d say we were one tough crowd for staying out. The family had a blast. After days of trying to keep the kids dry we looked for other measures, so out came the trash bags.

Allyson is now 3!!!

What an angel, or gremlin... lol either way now she is 3!

Allyson was spoiled and loved and so excited. The first picture is of Grandma Tonya and Allyson. JT has her on the 4-wheeler. Mom and Dad gave her the blocks and a new comforter. Her princess cake that seemed to be straight FROSTING! Krysta and Jake gave the Unicorn helmet that she wouldn't take off. Many more gifts and people enjoyed the day so this is just a small glimpse. It was a day full of love, laughter, and memories. What a fun day.

And in the end... she passed out.

Kaydance had a party!

This doesn't count as a post but I HAD to get birthday pictures up lol

      

 

  

 

  
 
 

   

    

  

  

 

  
  

Parenting

       I have been thinking about the past a lot lately. I don't know if it is good or bad but it has happened.... a lot. I remember being 10 years old and holding this new baby. She was, and still is... so special to me. When Jaquell was 3 days old everyone had to leave for one reason or another and she was left for me to watch. It wasn't long, but it was enough time for me to realize someone so small can have a huge impact in my life. 5 years later I felt like the free Nanny. I spent my summer vacation taking care of Jaquell and Paige while their Mom worked long days and night and partied on the weekends. I cared about those girls so much but I wanted a life of my own. It was hard to want to come home knowing that I would be the one taking care of these little girls. I love them don't get me wrong but I hated the obligation of always watching them. Was it that hard to just ask? Couldn't I have had a choice? I wanted to have friends. I wanted to go out. I wanted to date. Yes, I was selfish. Then Christmas vacation 2003 I put my foot down. I made a stupid choice. I didn't want to babysit and I said I didn't. I guess 17 isn't the age you get to make all your choices. I was grounded for not watching the girls. I was mad and I was stuck at home. I didn't want to listen and I was seeking revenge. That revenge caused an entire family feud. One word can change some ones entire mood. One sentence can cause anger, pain, and humiliation. I have learned that getting under some one's skin is not okay. I called my sister a Bitch and told her no one liked her. And the was just the start. That was the worst break from school ever. Not only did it tear the family apart but the humiliation from the cops showing up was bad. Going to school with scratches on my face was embarrassing. My parents were disappointed. It was bad. 3 sisters fighting was normal, but this night was way too far. I do take a lot of the blame, but I also see it as putting my foot down. I shouldn't have said what I did and my sister should not have tried to drag me into the house by my hair. I love my nieces, but I am not their Mother. I think I got that point across. Then at 18... I was a Mommy. Thank goodness for WIC because as it turns out... I didn't know what I was doing. With a little help from parenting classes in high school, helping raise my nieces, and WIC I felt confident raising my baby... I mean 3 :)  Now moving on Aiden will be 6!?!!!
       I am overwhelmed and don't think I know anything anymore. When did this change? Is 5 so different than 1? LoL yes!!!! With him starting school I feel so lost. So many questions and second guessing. I do have great children and I want them to keep them that way. When do you talk to them about bullies and sex and drugs and how to stay safe... and still reassure them that you love them with all your heart and that they are so special that it breaks my heart to see them get their feeling hurt. I feel like a lost parent.
This story:
An oarsman in a Roman galley was rowing to the beat of the drum. He looked over at the oarsman next to him and was horrified at what he saw. The oarsman in the next seat was drilling a hole in the bottom of the boat under his own seat. As the water began to gush into the boat, the first oarsman exclaimed, "What in Jupiter's name are you doing?" The man replied, Whats it to you? I'm only drilling the hole under my seat."

Makes me smile a little. As a person I never took the time to see how my actions effected others. Now I look at my self as stupid. It takes more than one person to raise a child. And it takes a family to raise 3. Every action has more than one effect. Its like the domino trail. If there is no team work each domino I set up is getting knocked down. Single parenting is impossible without family support. It hurts to know how broken my family is and to know I have the verbal support from some. I can admit at being at the end of my rope. Things are slowly getting better and I hope they continue to get better. I don't want to be the one to drown my kids. I am attending this parenting class looking for answers and hope. I'm looking for a direction and new ways to grow with my kids. Its called Active Parenting Now. I hope this class gives me skills and tools so I can talk with my kids and be prepared for the journey that is coming. I hope it can get me threw the next 15 years with comfidence. I don't want to see them in the same situation I am in now. I want to feel comfortable talking to them about sex, drugs, and violence. I also want them to know they can come to me about anything. I never had the courage to talk with my parents about things and I don't want my kids to feel like that. I know being involved in my kids lives will help a lot and the open communication we have now is just a stepping stone for this long journey a head of us.

No one is perfect. I have used Facebook and my blog as a vent for a long time. I still love to blog to get my frustrations out and reflect on things that have happened. A lot of my post have been about the kids Dad and I have decided that isn't fair. A long time ago in high school (ha ha ha) I learned that you should never talk negative about your significant other. When you talk badly or vent about them to someone else that negativity is all that is remembered. JT and I have a rocky past, but he isn't 100% bad. I feel terrible about some of the things I have done. The good part about venting is that you don't look bad yourself. I admit I have done wrong. I have done a lot of things to him as well. I never wanted to look bad and if I changed the focus to him no one would see threw me.

At 18 I wasn't ready for a serious relationship let alone a family. I over step a lot of mile stones. I didn't learn how to communicate, I didn't learn how a relationship worked, I didn't learn who I was. I did learn how to piss someone off though. JT took just as much from me as I ever got from him. The weekend I turned 18 I came home to boxes on the front grass of all my stuff. I moved in with JT having no place to go. Even after getting married we still never had a place to ourselves. We lived with his Grandparents and then added Aiden to the picture. We were stressed, confused, and tried to learn how to make life work- truth is we weren't ready. We tried getting our own apartment but still went to his family every day and for everything. We both were influenced by everyone and never learned to share our lives. We were 2 kids struggling to find a life, raise a family, and be a spouse. Neither was ready for the shoes we were trying to fill.

I wish I could have done things differently in my life. I wish I would have practiced abstinence A LOT longer. I wish when I got married I could have moved into my own place and learned how to be a wife and share my life. I wish Kids could have came after an established relationship and had a great foundation to fall back on. I also wish I had some patience. But at the same time I think I have accomplished many great things. I've learned lessons that in other cases would not have. I know things could have been easier but the lessons I've learned are my lessons. I know they were ment for me. I may not have been ready for the life I was trying to have but I feel prepared for my life tomorrow. I also believe that no matter what until we BOTH are ready, a relationship with JT of any kind would never work. I thought I had grown up at 18... but I am still maturing every day. I have different goals now and different expectations. I know JT had to learn his own lessons. I know we weren't ready to share our lives. In time I hope to see things get easier and we are both able to see the lessons we needed to learn and can work threw this life.

I still don't feel like I know how to be a wife, or a Mom, but I do know it takes time and practice. I am doing my best to give my kids everything and not mess up. I am still learning how to keep a smile on every one's face, cook dinner, make sure everyone one has a bath, keep a clean house, do the laundry, make some money, and not collapse when I can't go any further.  Life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything. I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. I forget what time it is and I am late to appointments sometimes. I forget to call people back. Sometimes I start a fight just to fight and hear your voice. I mess up. I hope I have some easier happy times a head of me and I hope those that I feel close to can support me and watch me fall. I am going to fall. I am going to mess up. I am going to need help. But I have to ask for it. I HAVE to learn these lessons myself.

 I read this story from a friend and BALLED like a baby: 

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his Biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your momma put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides... a burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!" You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life... I just did! Life is too short to wake up with regrets... Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

I have learned forgiveness. I don't expect perfection. I want to mess up and I expect others to hurt me. That's life. Forgiveness isn't saying its okay, its accepting things for what has happened  and knowing you can't change them. I can move forward. I know things have happened but I cant change them I can just make sure I learn the lesson that was in front of me. If you can't accept me for me, walk away and I'll learn that lesson too.